December 28, 2008

2
comments
Money


Money is like dandruff. Those who have it, have a lot of it; those who don't, don't have any.


December 6, 2008

2
comments
Rub of the Green



Green Turn.Now this has to be the stupidest thing I have ever heard of.Admitted, it is a decent initiative taken up by a television channel that seemingly doesn't have much to gain from it,but I swear, some of their ideas have left me convinced that pigs have taken flight.

Here's a sneak peek into some of the tips offered.

Re-use envelopes.
Let clothes dry naturally.
Make a compost pit in your garden.

Yes,that's it!!! I'm sure the world will be a much better place once the horrors of machine-dried clothes are abolished.I mean, just who is the half-wit who comes up with some of these ideas?Maybe the compost pit made the slow but steady transition from the garden to his cerebellum. And while we are busy re-using envelopes, we have Mr. Joe 'Why-Should-I-Give-a-Fuck' driving around in his Hummer getting 2 kilometres to the litre and Mr. 'Look-at-my-petrol-engine-run-on-kerosene' , soot billowing from his auto, putting their cerebral ineptitude on public display.

Are these really the best solutions we have to offer? The Earth is supposedly wounded and this is our idea of a bandage? How about Car-pooling? Electric Vehicles? Renewable Energies? Walking? Cycling? Using the stairs? Taking the bus?

But No. I will take my Diesel car(Alone, thank you very much) and drive to my office which is a stone's throw from my place, because I can't be seen walking, much less cycling to work, although either would give me the exercise that I desperately need. Stairs???No stairs for me. The only steps I'm willing to climb are the ones that will take me to the top of the corporate ladder. I will take the elevator from the 1st floor to the 2nd and I'll be a monkey's uncle if my clogged arteries have a say in the matter. Later, I will make up for all of this lost exercise by plugging in my treadmill and jogging all those calories away. Really? It is a marvel that Natural Selection didn't eliminate you along with the fuckin' dinosaurs,Idiot.

The funniest part? When celebrities become part of the process. Now if your sending Kanye 'whats his name' or Brad Pitt or Lenny Kravitz (to name a few) to tell me how to help the environment by switching off my monitor when I'm not using my computer,or that i need to replace all the incandescent lamps in my house with compact fluorescent, there is a pretty good chance you would have to perform rectal surgery on them to get my boot out of their ass. Firstly, because these fucks are getting paid to tell us what we already know, and secondly because I have watched MTV Cribs(unfortunately), and trust me, these morons wouldn't know Global Warming if it bit them in the ass.

My solution? Get some real solutions fast, or else we don't have a prayer. 

October 18, 2008

4
comments
Soccer, anyone?



Forced into a corner with nothing for company except the familiar whir of my damned PC, feeling the last vestiges of creativity course through my veins, with my Project Manager behind me and two walls intersecting in front of me, I somehow feel compelled to pen my thoughts. Over the last couple of months I have acquainted myself well with Messrs. Outlook and Firefox and needless to say, this interaction has kept me sane. Strangely enough, that statement questions its own veracity. On to more (de)pressing issues.

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American football. What is it? Seriously. Twenty-two men in spandex tights convinced into believing that advancing a ball past a line on the ground or kicking it between two infinitely high, unguarded posts constitutes some sort of recreation. The game seems to have taken the skill out of Soccer (REAL FOOTBALL, for the uninitiated) and the brutality out of Rugby, producing an All-American hodgepodge, devoid of talent. This isn't quite the reason I'm fuming. The damned thing is called Football! There seem to be quite a few pseudo-sports going around, each one trying to accommodate refugees from other sports, but American Football takes the cake.

Brilliant, isn't it?
Step1. Take a sport you can't play (Football).
Step 2. Change all the rules till it doesn't resemble the original in any way or form.
Step 3. Rename the new sport you have just 'invented'(American Football).
Then stab the original game in it's balls by rechristening it also. Go ahead, show us every colour in that rainbow you call your vocabulary. Soccer! Fan-fuckin-tastic. That's the stupidest name I have ever heard. This is the problem with the world today. Just too many idiots. Needless to say, it pisses me off when i search for Football in Wikipedia and get greeted by "This article is about various sports known as football ". I don't understand. It should be pretty straightforward right? You play the game with your feet, it's football. If you don't, it isn't, regardless of how far up your ass your brain-cells have travelled in their pursuit of intellect.

Let me scientifically dissect this into digestible portions for you. Most sports have constraints, which make the game challenging to play, and hence, interesting to watch.


Rugby: The ball cannot be passed forward directly to a team-mate.

Football: Put the ball within a goal frame that is 7.32m wide and 2.44m high.

American Football: Pass the ball forward if you like. You can also score by kicking the ball above (that's right, above!) the crossbar that is 3.05m high. The only constraint it seems, then, is the IQ of the asinine morons who masquerade as real sportsmen, in the aforementioned spandex tights.

A man named Walter Camp is considered to be the Father of American Football. What an athlete he must've been! Severe dearth of talent is said to be the reason for his unceremonious exodus from the Soccer team. (Poor guy, he probably couldn't get his head around keeping the ball below the crossbar). A genuine lack of balls is thought to be the reason for his inconspicuous absence from the Rugby team's roster. (The thought of only passing the ball backwards probably pulverized his brains into submission).Not to be outdone, he has shown us all what can be achieved with a little creativity and a sound lack-of-skill. It's a damned pity he wasn't aware that Soccer and Rugby were cousins. And American football would be the blemished progeny that resulted from this unholy matrimony.

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