October 18, 2008

Soccer, anyone?

Forced into a corner with nothing for company except the familiar whir of my damned PC, feeling the last vestiges of creativity course through my veins, with my Project Manager behind me and two walls intersecting in front of me, I somehow feel compelled to pen my thoughts. Over the last couple of months I have acquainted myself well with Messrs. Outlook and Firefox and needless to say, this interaction has kept me sane. Strangely enough, that statement questions its own veracity. On to more (de)pressing issues.

American football. What is it? Seriously. Twenty-two men in spandex tights convinced into believing that advancing a ball past a line on the ground or kicking it between two infinitely high, unguarded posts constitutes some sort of recreation. The game seems to have taken the skill out of Soccer (REAL FOOTBALL, for the uninitiated) and the brutality out of Rugby, producing an All-American hodgepodge, devoid of talent. This isn't quite the reason I'm fuming. The damned thing is called Football! There seem to be quite a few pseudo-sports going around, each one trying to accommodate refugees from other sports, but American Football takes the cake.

Brilliant, isn't it?
Step1. Take a sport you can't play (Football).
Step 2. Change all the rules till it doesn't resemble the original in any way or form.
Step 3. Rename the new sport you have just 'invented'(American Football).
Then stab the original game in it's balls by rechristening it also. Go ahead, show us every colour in that rainbow you call your vocabulary. Soccer! Fan-fuckin-tastic. That's the stupidest name I have ever heard. This is the problem with the world today. Just too many idiots. Needless to say, it pisses me off when i search for Football in Wikipedia and get greeted by "This article is about various sports known as football ". I don't understand. It should be pretty straightforward right? You play the game with your feet, it's football. If you don't, it isn't, regardless of how far up your ass your brain-cells have travelled in their pursuit of intellect.

Let me scientifically dissect this into digestible portions for you. Most sports have constraints, which make the game challenging to play, and hence, interesting to watch.

Rugby: The ball cannot be passed forward directly to a team-mate.

Football: Put the ball within a goal frame that is 7.32m wide and 2.44m high.

American Football: Pass the ball forward if you like. You can also score by kicking the ball above (that's right, above!) the crossbar that is 3.05m high. The only constraint it seems, then, is the IQ of the asinine morons who masquerade as real sportsmen, in the aforementioned spandex tights.

A man named Walter Camp is considered to be the Father of American Football. What an athlete he must've been! Severe dearth of talent is said to be the reason for his unceremonious exodus from the Soccer team. (Poor guy, he probably couldn't get his head around keeping the ball below the crossbar). A genuine lack of balls is thought to be the reason for his inconspicuous absence from the Rugby team's roster. (The thought of only passing the ball backwards probably pulverized his brains into submission).Not to be outdone, he has shown us all what can be achieved with a little creativity and a sound lack-of-skill. It's a damned pity he wasn't aware that Soccer and Rugby were cousins. And American football would be the blemished progeny that resulted from this unholy matrimony.


  1. hey mathew, damn good post dude.. feel like deleting my blogsite now..

    btw, "American football. What is it? ",
    in ur words, shouldn't tat have been "what IT IS?" ;)

  2. Reserve some fire power for later.You've started out all guns blazing.Angst in ur pangst eh? Good stuff

  3. funny I have never heard hegde say tat...
    i'll rethink deleting... :P

  4. chaju...neat post. Made for great reading.SVARAJ is proud of you ;)


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