December 13, 2009


After the stirring synonyms of Plagiarism is Alive, and consequently, several questions regarding my pursuit of the GRE, it is time to make the transition from poetry to prose. Now, it has to be admitted that the idea for this post came to me during a mundane family prayer that is generally typical of the late hours of a Sunday evening, and is generally typified by vehement protests from my side, citing a whole range of reasons, from (inconsequential) football matches to a-burning-hunger-that-cannot-withstand-the-torment-of-a-30-minute-prayer(in the event that both these arguments fail, I've discovered that feigning sleep can be an elegant escape). Needless to say, this post stands as proof of the fact that my parents are becoming increasingly aware of the EPL and all the football clubs that constitute its sediment, that insatiable hunger and a call to prayer cannot possibly have a correlation co-efficient of +1, and most importantly, that no one, no one can fall asleep with equal servings of abruptness, precision, ease and consistency, albeit for only 30 minutes, every Sunday evening.

Sitting comfortably on the sofa as my mom prayed, with my religious inclination and overwhelming drowsiness engaged in mortal combat, it was a good time to reflect on 2009. A year of Swine flu, Copenhagen, unwarranted Nobel prizes, extended recession, Telangana, disgraced golfers, online CAT, irresolute wars, Michael Jackson's demise and Federer's tryst with Roland Garros. Not an exhaustive list, but certainly a well thought out one. Special thanks to, for saving my quickly-waning long-term memory from certain embarrassment. With current affairs quickly out of the picture, ever the narcissist, it was time to mull over personal accomplishments.

It was a year in which: my Body Mass Index trudged towards respectability, the Road Transport Organisation finally deemed me fit to drive a Light Motor Vehicle, my Deutsch skills improved by one grade(though my Malayalam skills received an identical shift in the other direction) and travel was the fulcrum. Mudaliar Kuppam beach, goods train from Castle Rock to Madgaon, Virginia Beach, Chivas Regal in Dandeli, kayaking in Pondicherry, Niagara Falls, beach-hopping in Goa, bike trip to Tonnurkere(to name a few, though not necessarily in that order), were nuggets in the goldmine that was 2009. This year will also be greatly remembered as the year I discovered the comedic genius of George Carlin and the only comparison that would seem even remotely analogous would be that of cavemen discovering fire. One of the greatest minds of all time. Witty, sarcastic, caustic, forthright, philosophical, funny, cynical, scathing and above all, a master wordsmith. Basically, everything I aspire to be. If you still need convincing, here's what you will need to do:

2. Fall on your knees.
3. Worship the man.

That, I guess, settles that. And, as I wind down to the end of my last post for 2009, I realize that we still have a couple of weeks left. Which could only mean one thing: we are at the peak of the holiday season. The most wonderful time of the year. Or so I've heard. For those of you who are unaware of the reason behind this most magnificent holiday, let me clue you in on some of the details.

It is believed that many, many years ago, a son was born to the virgin wife of a Jewish carpenter, in a stable, in a box from which cattle feed and in a town that is today one of the most widely disputed and strife-torn regions of the world. Wise men--possibly astronomers of some kind, saw a star in the sky---and followed it, for roughly 2 years, to reach the patiently waiting baby. And how do we know all of this for a fact? Because on the day of his birth, shepherds were informed of this wonderful news by angels in the sky. This baby had come to save us all. Unfortunately, this was not considered to be important enough for his exact birthday or age to be documented(until 336 A.D., when the Western Church, decided on the basis of _______, that the baby was actually born on December 25th). Is it any wonder then, that this very church enlightened us with the Crusades, gave us such wholesome periods as the Dark Ages and sought to establish, through the Inquisition, that the notion that the earth revolves around the sun was "false and contrary to Scripture"?

Needless to say, had the same fable been broadcast in a more scientific time, the carpenter would have got a hefty alimony from the pregnant lady who claimed she was a virgin, the baby might have contracted scabies from being born in a manger, the shepherds would have been beaten to a pulp for reporting of angels in the sky and the wise men would still be travelling---because no star in the history of mankind, has ever stopped above a god-damned stable.

So essentially, a story that should have been as inconsequential as a Youtube comment, has become as commonplace as a Surd who supports Manchester United, or an Iron Maiden t-shirt on a goateed guy. Apparently, 33% of the world's population are so grotesquely devoid of logic, that the above tale seems not to perturb their beliefs. Last I heard, the same percentage also thought Aesop's Fables was a thesis.

But, I digress. 2009 will be gone by the time most of you read this post, so I guess I might as well hazard a few resolutions for 2010. It should be the year I learn how to swim(as opposed to my current strategy of just trying to stay alive in water), the year I finally make a long-overdue trip of North India, a year filled with several sleepless nights, watching the Football World Cup, a year of weekend beers and weekday football.


  1. lovely writing..Looking forward for more...lets see if u'l only run behind ur resolutions or at some point of time actually meet them..

  2. Good one again Mathew.
    Merry Christmas and have a gr8 year ahead!

  3. Your sarcastic wit appears keener and sharper with every piece u write .... Great read, as always :)
    PS - I cud SO relate with the sleep-at-prayer-time ... been there, done that ! :D


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