December 23, 2011

11
comments
Age Against the Machine


One year ago, when I turned 24, I wrote this.

A year later, and I find myself ageing rapidly. Symptoms include a nascent beer belly, a passionate loathing of SUVs, Twitter, and Shah Rukh Kaun movies, general sluggishness and high levels of irritability. The fact that kids these days have smartphones is irritating; stupidly laid road humps are pissing off; watching people use an SLR camera inside a mall curdles the blood; seeing a techie ride solo in his Tata-Aria(-out-of-your-fuckin'-mind?) during peak hour is pissing off; listening to people discuss whats trending on Twitter is not particularly useful, and blowing cash on some 3D movie with no story does not seem as enjoyable as it once was.

So you try to take your mind off your age. But this isn't very easy, when everyone your age is expecting their second child. Or when your Facebook friends seem to be able to update every phase of their relationship status from just met her --> pheromones released --> Kundali matching --> parents permission pending --> consummated in front of approving in-laws. Or when people you work with start sending you soft-copies of their wedding invitations by e-mail. Or when strangers from church politely remind you that your biological clock is ticking. Or when some bugger you barely know invites you to view details of his wedding ceremony(including route to the choultry on Googlemaps) on some makeshift website called myextravagantwedding.com/Shatrughan+Shilpashree or hollowweddingconcepts.com/TwinklewedsBobby that has been set up for this purpose. Also available on this website are insanely high-resolution pics of Shilpashree's Mehendi ceremony, candid shots of Shatrughan, pictures of the (highly educated)couple doing random things with coconuts, bananas and ghee, and sentimental pics of Twinkle being given away. Pictures courtesy SLR-Cameras-Were-Made-For-This Photography.

To take your mind off said social contract, you turn to music to make you feel young again. But music is unlikely to ease your pain since every talentless jebroni seems to be making music these days. And really, how hard can it be? What you will need is the tune from a VSNL dial-up connection, a throbbing techno beat, a DJ who knows all the keyboard shortcuts in Winamp, a voice that belongs in an Indian Railways platform announcement, the lyrical depth of Baa,Baa,Black Sheep and some mixing software to cleverly loop all of this shit, while the music video features hot girls wearing sunglasses at night, driving fast cars and making obscure references to parties, weekends and murderous rage. 

Whats worse, everyone your age has suddenly taken a shine to this sort of software-generated, auto-tuned, electronic garbage and seem to be ready to blow money at any place that has a like-minded DJ. Which reminds me--- if you are more than 14 years old, and still think that DJ-ing is cool, you can now demand a full refund on your primary education. Because adjusting the speed of a song, adding a couple of beats every so often, and then increasing the volume till your target audience is foaming at the mouth, does not require oodles of talent. Which is why, I do not understand why anybody on God's green earth should have to pay a cover charge to listen to you live out your adolescent fantasy at some yuppie bar where ladies meet to compare purses and sip on overpriced local beer. My personal suggestion: update your profile on Naukri.com, since you are dangerously close to being replaced by a Winamp playlist in shuffle mode, with repeat enabled.

DJ bashing done, you realise that modern mainstream music makes you feel old. You look to television for consolation, but the actresses on TV tell you that age spots and fine lines will ruin your marriage, and so they suggest some miracle cream that can hide the signs of ageing. You slowly begin to realise that you are becoming part of an older generation that has no clue what =)) or B-) or X-( means, and who have no practical use for the terms XOXO, ROLFAMO and other senseless internet acronyms. And since your cellphone has a real keypad, children laugh at you and call you uncle.  

Fuckers---Uncle, it seems!

So, to avoid feeling like and being called an uncle from now on, this is what I'm gonna do. I will start growing a goatee tomorrow and wear sandals and socks to office once a week. SuMtymS, i LL tyP lyK dis 4 nO apParnT rEasOn. I will watch Mr. Bean cartoons and Takeshi's castle on POGO. I will make my peace with all DJs. I will sit through atleast one Shah Rukh Kaun movie this year. I will eat Masala Puri when I have viral fever and drink cold beer when I have a throat infection. I will visit hollowweddingconcepts.com and "Like" all the photos of Shatrughan. I will get my Hero Ranger restored to its former glory and I will stop thinking about how cheap petrol used to be.

And if none of that works, screw it, I'm gonna need some of that Garnier Age-lift Triactive.

11 comments:

  1. Love it! I feel exactly the same, if not "samer"... I turn 28 in a few days! Bloody ridiculous nonsense. The world is my amusement park. And I have no idea what those new gamer smileys like >.< and o_O mean! Give me good old :) any day. I actually used "w00t" in conversation the other day, and then inwardly cringed.

    PS. My mom says Olay is better than Garnier.

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  2. Try plastic surgery might help!!

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  3. hey ulfet...olay total effects?with soha ali khan and karishma kapoor in the ads?to fight the 7 signs of ageing?wait, how do i know all of this? :D

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  4. @your comment above: hahahahahaha :D

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  5. Yeah. Soha probably did the ad because Saif did "Ole Ole" and she wanted her own Olay.

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  6. Good to hear that there are others too....:-)

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  7. nice blog uncle... :P

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  8. "Fuckers---Uncle, it seems!"-- Epic
    Dude Simply Amazing man! U have just spoken out the mind of every frustrated single techie there is!!!!!

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